Many couples find it frustrating trying to have difficult conversations with their partner. Things always seem to get ‘heated’ and quickly turn into an argument, so nothing important ever gets resolved.

Over time, this has a corrosive effect on their relationship. Often this inability to have difficult conversations means couples start avoiding them, preventing arguments but damaging the sense of intimacy which is so important in a relationship.

Learning to have difficult conversations

Couples shouldn’t feel ashamed of finding some subjects hard to talk about. Some people grow up in families where sensitive subjects didn’t get discussed, or there were constant arguments and so understandably, they find it hard to communicate effectively. Based on my experience as a couples counsellor, I have put together these 10 tips to help couples communicate constructively about difficult subjects.

1. Give up wanting to be ‘right’ and focus on being ‘curious’

Many couples find conversations quickly end up in an argument about who’s ‘right’.

It’s important to enter conversations with a different mindset. Try to let go of thinking about who’s ‘right’ and instead focus on being curious about how your partner feels about things. See the early stages of a conversation simply as an opportunity to be interested in their perspective and to find out more.

2. Choose a time to talk, when the odds are in your favour

Choosing a good time to have a difficult conversation can be crucial.

Using a gambling analogy, it makes sense to talk when the odds are stacked in your favour. For example, talking on a weekend country walk when you both feel relaxed and there’s no distractions might mean that the odds of having a constructive conversation are pretty good. But a conversation on the same subject, at 7:30pm after a stressful day’s work might mean that the odds are more heavily stacked against you.

Don’t avoid difficult conversations, but try to have them when the odds are most favourable.

3. Think about ‘emotions’ rather than ‘details’

Couples often get ‘lost’ in the details of what they are discussing, but it’s actually our emotions which make things difficult to talk about.

For example, perhaps we can’t understand why our partner is so angry that we forgot to empty the kitchen bin when we said we would. Their anger over such a minor issue seems disproportionate. However, we miss that their anger is actually driven by a similar feeling they had as a child, when their parents routinely broke their promises.

The anger-to-importance ratio

One tip I use working with couples (and you can do at home), is ask them to score their level of anger between 0-10. Then score the importance of what they are angry about on the same scale.

If there’s a big disparity, for example, 8 on anger and 3 on the importance, then it’s usually a sign that there are likely to be deeper feelings involved.

This knowledge can help couples see past the surface level, talk about what else might be going on, understand the situation in a different way and start making some positive changes. Sometimes professional help may be required to identify and understand more about the origins of deeper feelings and in these situations couples counselling can be very beneficial.

4. Listen well to your partner’s POV

Listening to the other person’s point of view in a difficult conversation without interrupting can sometimes be incredibly hard, but it always pays off.

Give as much space to your partner to make their points as possible. You may have to ‘bite your lip’, but just holding back and listening is the most effective way to avoid an argument and have a constructive conversation.

One tip to do this more effectively, is to focus on how your partner responds when you don’t interrupt them. If you watch them closely, you will probably see them start to become calmer and talk more slowly, as they become aware that they are being listened to. This then makes it far more likely that they will also listen to you. and even if you aren’t in agreement, the conversation will probably be constructive.

5. Expect some misunderstandings

It’s helpful to bear in mind that in difficult discussions, it can be very hard to express yourself clearly, so try to allow some space for your partner to ‘say it in the wrong way’ initially. Also be aware, that because we might be feeling a bit upset and defensive, we may not accurately ‘hear’ what is being said.

Try not to jump to conclusions and seek clarity if anything is unclear.

6. Think of three positions ‘You’, ‘Me’ and ‘Us’

Discussions often turn into arguments, because both of you end up taking individual positions.

Its sometimes helpful to think of the three positions in a conversation – not just ‘you’ and ‘me’ but also ‘us’. The ‘us’ position is where compromise is usually located, but it’s important that couples don’t focus solely on it, because that runs the risk of ignoring the important individual perspectives, which we still have in relationships. What we are really looking for is something that works well enough for all three positions, but probably isn’t ‘perfect’ for any of them.

7. Search for the ‘grain of truth’ which leads to consensus

One of the problems when we are having difficult conversations is that we are often listening in order to launch a counter argument (which is not really listening at all!).

However, trying to identify any points which we can agree on (even if they are small) helps us listen in a different, more constructive way. It’s very rare that there will be nothing in what the other person is saying in which we can’t find at least a small ‘grain of truth’. Doing this means that when you reply to your partner, you can then acknowledge their perspective. When each partner does this a contentious conversation becomes a more constructive discussion.

8. Keep the focus on one issue

Try to only address the particular issue you are talking about. Bringing in other subjects just clouds the issue, but agree you will discuss other issues separately on another occasion and ensure that you take the time to do so.

9. Take a break if you aren’t getting anywhere

Couples often feel that when they start a difficult conversation they then need to reach a resolution by the end of it.

The problem is that this can often be unproductive and the longer they talk, the more each side becomes entrenched in their position. Returning to the gambling analogy in tip 2, sometimes although the odds for a successful conversation may have started favourably, they then start to lengthen considerably as a conversation goes ‘round and round’ in circles.

Sometimes, the best idea is to agree to leave the conversation for a bit, returning to it when both people have had the opportunity to reflect (and perhaps, cool down a bit). Try not to think of it as a failure if you can’t come up with a solution first time – the chances are the time to reflect will be extremely beneficial for both people.

10. Seek professional help if you are still struggling

Hopefully these tips will help facilitate couples to have positive conversations about difficult subjects. However, if you need some extra help then couples therapy can be very beneficial.

For further support in having the difficult conversation, or have tried and are struggling to make breakthroughs, get in touch with the Palmeira Practice for help.