How Parenting Can Strain Your Relationship – And How Therapy Can Help
/The following article was written by Palmeira Practice counsellor Oli Hamilton.
Bringing a child into the world can be an exciting time, but becoming parents also transforms a couple’s relationship overnight.
Research suggests that a decline in relationship satisfaction is common following the birth of a child, yet many wait a long time to seek support. This may reflect part of the problem - priorities dramatically shift, the baby’s needs take centre stage and little time is left to dedicate to a romantic relationship.
Children can cause havoc and mess… both literally, but also within a relationship. Learning how to mitigate this is an essential part of parenting.
Preparing for Parenting
Preparing to be a parent takes a lot of time and effort to get everything ready for the baby’s arrival.
Parenting classes focus on preparing you for childbirth and how to care for the baby once they arrive.
But the relationship between the two parents can be a bit of an afterthought, which is such a shame considering how vital your alliance will be to the wellbeing of the whole family.
In at the deep end
First, it’s worth acknowledging that childbirth itself can be traumatic for both partners.
Mothers’ bodies are pushed to the limit, and birth partners witness their loved one going through a lot of pain. There may also have been fears for the health of the mother and the baby. These experiences take time to recover from, physically and emotionally.
But there’s no time to take a breather, as parents are immediately plunged into a daunting level of responsibility.
Suddenly you are required to care for the new baby - to feed, comfort, clothe, entertain, keep warm (but not too warm!) - and everything else under the sun to take up your headspace.
This leaves little time and energy to ensure the relationship is nurtured. Even with the best intentions, it’s easy for the relationship to be the first thing that is neglected. Before you know it, you feel disconnected, bad habits form and arguments start to crop up.
Navigating common parenting issues
So, how can a couple successfully build and nurture a new, updated relationship after becoming parents? Therapy can help to explore these six common issues which often arise in the months and years after starting a family:
Connection between parents
Becoming parents comes with huge demands to care for the baby, which often fall particularly heavily on the mother in the early stages.
The relentless cycle of feeding, changing, soothing, clothing, cleaning and entertaining your baby allows little room for much else, which can leave a mother feeling isolated and overwhelmed.
While partners may logically accept that new mothers will have less time to dedicate to the relationship, this acknowledgement may not prevent feelings of jealousy or abandonment from simmering under the surface.
It can be helpful for couples to recognise these feelings and accept that they are normal. It can be a challenge to find new ways of feeling connected and to show you are still just as important to one another.
Lack of sleep
Babies take up so much of our energy during the day, and keep us up at night. Everything becomes much harder when we’re tired.
Couples can struggle to be patient and empathise with one another when exhausted, which is completely understandable.
Tackling issues when we’re overtired, in the heat of the moment, can lead to criticism, defensiveness and dead-end arguments. Important issues can then be left unresolved, which leads to snowballing resentment.
Tackling issues effectively can be about timing as much as anything. Choosing a moment when you’re both reasonably relaxed and well-rested can make all the difference.
Parental communication
Stress and exhaustion can lead us to fall into unhelpful communication patterns - whether it’s criticism, defensiveness, contempt or avoidance.
This is where couples therapy can be of great use. The counselling room is a safe space where communication can be worked on and concerns can be discussed from a blame-free, level-headed, respectful frame-of-mind.
Through exploration together, your communication patterns can also be identified and their origins better understood.
For instance, one member of a couple may have grown up in a family where difficult subjects and conflict were avoided at all costs, whereas their partner may have lived in a household where heated arguments were a daily part of life. This can be a nightmare experience for both parties, as what feels safe for one partner is intolerable for the other.
Remaining curious about our relationship styles, rather than critical or defensive, leads to greater understanding of one-another. You can then catch unhelpful patterns earlier and relate to one another in a more patient, caring and respectful way.
A lack of Intimacy and Sex
Having children means less time for romance and date nights. Your sex life will have undoubtedly changed, both during pregnancy and after your baby is born.
Mothers’ bodies take time to recover, while lack of sleep, hormone changes and stress all impact levels of desire.
Talking about sex can be a daunting prospect for some people, and may bring up feelings of rejection or abandonment. But it’s important to keep communication flowing between you to help navigate these changes together and collaborate on realistic expectations.
Dividing responsibilities and financial pressures
A new child brings added financial pressures and a new balance to how the household functions.
Dividing responsibilities may have been straightforward in the past, but after a child is born one partner may suddenly find themselves at home with a baby and a house to look after, while the other is out at work, or working from home, with increased pressure to provide financially.
This can be a strange feeling, particularly for a couple who previously both worked or did not identify with the traditional family setup.
Thrown into a new lifestyle, it’s important to negotiate responsibilities and create clear expectations to ensure you’re on the same page, and to avoid dissatisfaction and bitterness from gradually growing.
The therapy room can be a great space to hash out how your new life will function and work through any grievances.
Adapting to your new lifestyle, and grieving your old one
Adapting to a new lifestyle is a tough process to go through. When we welcome a new life into the family, we also say goodbye to aspects of the person we used to be, the relationship we used to have and the life we used to lead. There can be a natural grieving process which varies in intensity for different people.
If either partner is particularly struggling to adapt, or suffering from postpartum depression, know that these feelings are natural symptoms of going through a major life transition, and are temporary with the right support.
Individual needs
As well as tending to their connection, new parents also need to find balance in their personal life. This can include:
Self-care: If a nap, walk, bath, yoga session or hour with a book will refresh you and enable you to come back fresh and ready to connect with your partner and child, then it needs to be a priority. Negotiate a regular time you can fit self-care in each week.
Alone time: Different personalities need different amounts of time alone to recharge our social batteries. We may have the best intentions to support each other with every available minute in the day, but recognise when this is becoming unhealthy and you need some time to yourself (however brief).
Maintaining a connection to hobbies that you enjoy, as well as friends and family can help you find balance in your life. Playing a team sport with friends is just one of the ways you can do that.
Fun: Parents often find themselves drifting away from activities they used to enjoy. Pick your priorities and discuss how each of you will maintain the activities which are important to you - and where they will fit into your week.
Friends and family: The balance of our social lives will inevitably change, with typically less time available to see friends and higher expectations to spend time with immediate and extended family. Ensure you are on the same page with your expectations. Compromises and clear boundaries are vital to ensure both partners’ needs are met. It can also be challenging to find the right balance - to dedicate enough time to family and friends without being over-ambitious or neglecting time at home.
Create shared meaning
Though parenting can have huge strains on a relationship, particularly in the early years, it is also an opportunity for growth and a deepening connection.
Parenting can help to develop altruism, your respect for each other and create a shared purpose to life.
In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, psychotherapist Viktor Frankl famously wrote:
“Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”
This quote seems particularly relevant to raising children. At times parenting can feel like relentless hard work, but it also gives great meaning to our lives and to our relationships, which brings the potential for deep, long-term satisfaction.
If you would like support in adapting to life as a parent, either as a couple or as an individual, please feel free to get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.
